Kaleidoscopic Self

We all find ourselves puzzling over existential questions at times — “Who am I? What defines me?” This soul-searching stems from a longing to locate some essential, permanent self beneath the chaos of shifting emotions, roles and experiences. If only we could grasp hold of that singular identity, surely it would offer relief from inner turmoil.

Yet that very desire often backfires, becoming an obsessive and exhausting quest for an ideal or “normal” personality. Our culture and upbringing fuels this trap by providing rigid labels and archetypes that we feel pressured to mold ourselves into. Dominant narratives like the introvert/extrovert dichotomy, or gender ideals of masculinity and femininity, portray identities as fixed endpoints to strive for.

The quest for solid self-understanding also permeates institutions and support structures. Mental health diagnostics place spectrum disorder labels implying an objective “right mind.” Schools assess intelligence through standardized tests presupposing different flavors of competence. Dating apps ask users to define themselves in narrow categories to compute romantic matches.

So the exhausting chase persists. We wrestle between voices telling us “just be yourself!” and simultaneous efforts to shape or optimize that self. Inner plurality gets suppressed to fit reductive stories about who we are, or who we ought to become. Yet seizing our shape-shifting selves often resembles chasing shadows.

The Fluid Self

What if our longing for a firm, knowable identity misses the true complexity of the self? An illuminating metaphor for the multifaceted nature of personality can be found in a child’s toy — the kaleidoscope. Peer through its lens and vibrant symmetrical patterns rapidly emerge, shift and blend mesmerizing colors. No single mandala-like image captures all possibilities, yet the unfolding kaleidoscopic movements entrance the eye.

Just so, aspects of identity come fleetingly into focus then transform with situations, relationships, inner landscapes. Traits like introversion or confidence form temporary patterns — yet a charismatic public speech or vulnerable moment reveals them as ephemeral configurations amidst deeper currents of personality. Attempting to fixate on certain qualities while relegating others to shadows proves futile; the uncontrollable dance continues regardless.

What then to make of this essentially fluid self, impossible to fully grasp or hold onto? The kaleidoscopic heart cannot be tidied into static images without distorting its innate vibrancy. Yet fully admitting such uncertainty confronts us with deeper questions of meaning and purpose when even the “self” at the core seems so mystifyingly elusive.

If identity involves ceaseless ebb and flow like a kaleidoscope’s patterns, then how does one avoid instability in day-to-day living? By cultivating balance between seemingly opposing instincts — the drive for cohesion on one hand and capacity for fluid shift on the other.

There is a time for grounding in self-continuity. Just as the child playing with a kaleidoscope may hold it steady for a few moments to gaze on a particular arrangement of shapes before twisting to discover new configurations, we too do well establishing mindfulness of the self-pattern existing here and now. Noticing even fleeting thoughts and impulses offers a basis for present-moment discernment amidst change.

But there is also opportunity in releasing attachment to any one identity configuration when its propensity for morphing into something new presents itself organically with growth. Letting go of singular conceptions of self unlocks entrance to other realms of experience and perspective when we allow daring transformation. Learning to dance inside this polarity takes courage over time. But spiritual traditions point the way by embracing paradox.

Making peace with contradictions proves key to wholeness on the journey of fluid identity. By fully embracing transformation while sustaining compassion for our present self, doors open to presence and empathy. Jesus’ two commandments epitomize applying this spiritual paradox of unconditional love for the divine nature in all things and beings — not seeking any one fixed self-conception, but accepting ourselves and others as flowing from the ultimate source of mystery just as we are, illuminating the spiritual path to freedom through the two great commandments: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul and with all thy mind” (Matthew 22:37), and “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” (Matthew 22:39).

Kaleidoscopic Self

If grasping firmly our ever-changing identity proves fruitless, what shifts when we cease such exhausting efforts? Lightness emerges as we release attachment to singular self-concepts we feel pressured to optimize or normalize all our days. Realizing the futility of cataloguing each new color or twist of the kaleidoscope can paradoxically enhance capacities for presence, engagement and flow.

We surf tensions between experiencing consistent personality themes and unpredictable situational transformations with greater adaptability. Old triggers lose power when we witness even reactive patterns as fleeting storms rather than immutable identity judgments. “This too shall pass” gains teeth when applied to the shadows and struggles of selfhood fluctuating over time.

Cultivating mindful pause before reacting to inner-outer stimuli supports response informed by espoused values rather than reflexive habits of ego. We tend our scopes not to freeze any single desired self-image but to unearth compassion and courage for working with whatever temporal identity we inhabit in a wise and woke manner for however long it holds.

In fully embracing the dancing kaleidoscope’s paradoxical nature, we release exhaustive efforts towards an ideal self that obscure appreciating unique gifts (and equally temporary quirks) distinguishing this very fingerprint of consciousness. And touching such acceptance and surrendered agency to shift sets the stage for service to those who need support in their journeys of transformation and healing.

The end point ceases to exist on this path of awakening — yet why crave fixed results when the riveting ride itself alights the senses, opens the heart, and immerses awareness in uncovered wonders of fleeting presence along the way? Destiny pulls inward and outward to participate consciously in each reorienting view revealed by the turn. What vision comes into being now as you gently twist your kaleidoscope with mindful intention once more?

Image by Adrien Olichon